Tuesday, May 20, 2008

My Audacious Struggle

Hot on the heels of Obama’s recent admission that America’s standard of living is angering the rest of the world, and is therefore a problem, I’ve managed to get my hands on exclusive excerpts from his new book: My Audacious Struggle.

Obama on Foreign Policy:

“Is it really fair for America to oppose Iran’s nuclear weapons program? Isn’t that a little hypocritical? Until all the world’s militaries can be placed under the control of the UN, we mustn’t horde all the weapons. It isn’t equitable for America to be able to point ballistic missiles at Iran without the Iranian Democracy being able to reciprocate. America must learn to share. Also, Japan gets two free shots at us.”

Obama on Taxes:

“’Collectivization of Wealth’ sounds so 20th century. I’m not sure if you’re aware, simple reader, but I’m all about change. My typical white CPA tells me that most of you have what’s called ‘discretionary’ or more appropriately ‘disposable’ income. This is a burden upon you gentle consumer. Let Me take this upon Myself, for only I can bear it. In the coming perfect society it shall be referred to as ‘original sin’.”

Obama on Religion:

“Thou shalt not look directly upon My face or I shall smite thee!”

Obama on Judges:

“In the coming perfect society, the courts will no longer decide questions of constitutional law, for My coming has both fulfilled the law and abolished it. I shall create a ‘new covenant’ with the American people. Believe in Me and you shall be free of the old constitution, and we shall usher in My administration on Earth.”

Obama on immigration:

America has too much lebensraum. We need to get rid of it!”

Details are still sketchy, but expect this sometime after he announces his first five year plan. Also, this is a clear parody, so please don't sue me.

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