Of course we all know that babies can be horrid, horrid, racists, but surprising and unnecessary new research now shows that they can be pedophiles as well!! The National Children's Bureau has a stunning new study out that shines a chilling and semi rediculous light on baby pedophilia.
According to chronic overreacter Jane Lane (a serious name), babies "can show disturbing signs of pedophilia at a startlingly young age, often even before they are conceived." The NCB is now rushing new guidelines to nurseries across Britain in an effort to forestall baby sex crimes and justify their government grants. "I know its shocking," said Jane Lane, "but in our research we've found that babies often look at other babies and even smile at them, not to mention the fact that they spend a shocking amount of time naked."
Asked to comment, Yorkshire MP Thomas Sullivan was quoted as saying "Are you (censored) serious? Game over man, just take it all down. Burn it all, (censored) it. I'm not even going to pretend to care any more. Bloody (censored) rediculous."
Despite seeming government apathy, the NCB is pushing for far reaching powers to resolve this growing crisis. "We need a National Baby Sex Offender Registry," said plain dame Jane Lane, "we can't have these monsters crawling the streets."
Horrified mothers across Britain are already ratting out their infants. "He's been sucking on my nipple for months," said a hysterical London mother who wished to remain anonymous. "At first I thought it was just a phase, but now I fear its a symptom of something far more ominous. I'm not sure, but I think when I gave birth to him, he touched my vagina!"
Reached late last night, noted child psychologist Nigel Chamberlain remarked "is this a (censored) serious question?"