Monday, July 7, 2008

Trees? Screw Trees!

What's wrong with California, let me count the ways. . .

I can't imagine how conservative Californians put up with this crap. A global warming sticker on every new car? What's the point? To ostracize people who drive what they want and are willing to pay for it?

Now, I've got no problem with recycling, cleaning up our messes, and common sense. "Don't empty your septic tank into the stream." "Hey, don't throw away that can brother, recycle it." "Hey man, don't build your campfire at the base of that redwood." "Bro, you should stop strangling condors for fun," etc. etc. Blah, blah, blah. But you couldn't just peacefully try and persuade us through rational discussion. You had to become hysterical and begin imposing your beliefs on the rest of us. You know what? Fine.

I'm moving to California and I want the car that puts out the most pollution. If one is the worst rating, give me a zero. In fact I'm going to drive down the street towing a trailer full of burning tires, and you know what? You environmentalists drove me to it. I wouldn't provoke you if you hadn't messed with me, but now its on. I'm going to drive around in a tank that burns pure crude oil in the most inefficient manner possible. I don't care how much it costs. I'm going to drive down the road spraying aerosol cans out the window. I'm not going to brake for animals, in fact, I'm planning on dumping crude oil on any wild animal I can find. I'm not even going to turn my car off, I'm just going to let it idle all night while I sleep with all the lights on and the refrigerator door open. I want a carbon footprint bigger than Al Gore's. Trees? Screw trees. I'm cutting em down for no discernible reason. Does that make me a monster? Maybe, but remember you created me. I'm mad as hell and I'm not taking it anymore.

On second thought, nah. A transgender, antiwar protester from San Francisco would probably follow me home and strangle me with his/her fabulous new neckerchief.

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